zub-kapusty asked: Do you want my onions?
THAT IS THE WORST PICK UP LINE EVER.
What do you do if a boy likes you, but doesn’t seem to want to commit to a relationship?
You don’t do anything.
thingsbysophie asked: greatest blog ever?
um, YES.
Who should pay for the first date?
Dinner: The initiator should pay.
Concert: The initiator.
Movie: Rob a bank, use the money to pay for the movie tix. Put the excess money away in a college fund for your future children.
Picnic: You kill another picnic-ing couple and steal their food. Duh. That’s why you always pack a saw in your picnic basket.
How would a guy go about telling a girl he likes her?
So, if you write a girl a letter, and you put a handkerchief in it, but you throw up or sneeze into it, it’s like telling her “you can have all of me: The good parts and the bad.”
When is the best time for your significant other to meet your parents?
January 9th.
Because it’s nine days after December 31st, so you have time to get over your New Year’s hangover.
Anonymous asked: How do I talk to a famous football player in my class in such a way that I end up with his baby?
So, the way you attract football players is to have horribly smelly feet. You have to wear Sperry’s for a fortnight, then go to class and take off your shoes and plop them on his desk. BOOM.
Baby.
You will actually have his baby. There in class. Instantaneously. No nine-months necessary. No pain. Just baby.
DISCLAIMER
I cannot be held accountable for any adverse effect that occur after kissing a bum.
How do you respond if someone tells you you’re “footloose and fancy free”?
1. You sing the soundtrack to ‘Footloose’
2. (Only applies to flirtatious bums:)
Give them $2 and a handshake or make out with them because you have no money to give
Follow Up: How would you go about asking a man out?
If he’s a scribe:
You should not get him a pen or a ruler or anything of the sort that says words on it, because that will just remind him of what he does all day, which is writing.
Don’t send him a letter.
What you do is get him 14 or 15 pinecones, because those are wordless.
Crush them up into a fine powder, mix them into hot water, and tell him that you have Ovaltine for him.
When he find out it’s NOT ovaltine, he’ll be like “WHAT THE HELL”
And you’ll be like “We’re dating now!”
What if he’s Batman:
Be Alfred. Butler Alfred.
If they’re Flynt Flossy, Yung Humma, Slick Mahoney, Whachamacallit, or Tummiscratch
Tell then they’re awful. They’ll be so used to hearing the truth, that they’re amazing, that they’ll be surprised. They’ll think they were surrounded by Yes-men, and then they’ll love you.
Reaction from Alexis:
Is it socially acceptable for a woman to ask a man out?
It’s not only acceptable,
it is also widely accepted.
Much like the theory that bears are secretly tooth-fairies.
How do you attract a college-aged man?
If you carry around a barrel full of salamanders and you occasionally take one out and throw it and graze said man’s hair, he’ll look around and wonder were they’re coming from and you can say “ME!”, and then start a conversation! All good relationships start with conversation!
disclaimer: you can also use newts and iguanas. Use caution with iguanas, though, because they are big, and thus could accidentally knock out your crush. Oh no!
